Overindulgence makes children become helpless,
self-doubting and insecure adults. It often comes from a
good-hearted parent wanting to spare their child problems
and difficulties, especially if that parent struggled as a
child or is struggling now. But children who have been
overindulged can recover.

There are basically three kinds of overindulgence:
Too much, over nurturing and soft structure.
The child who gets too much thinks nothing is
ever enough or good enough. Giving too much or too
many things includes not only toys and clothing, but anything
that costs money: sports equipment, lessons, entertainment,
vacations, junk food or anything else.
These children don't value what they have and still feel they
never have enough.
Acknowledge when resources are limited.
 Reduce the number of items on a 'wish list.'
Admit that sometimes we have to wait for what we want.
Put a time or date when something can be purchased or
have children share earning the cost of big items.
Children who are over nurtured don't have any
sense of responsibility.

All children need nurturing in order
to survive. Over nurturing is doing things for children
that they could or should be doing for themselves or
keeping them from learning to handle a situation they
should be mastering. It is smothering children with too
much care and attention. The result can be a child whose
role in life is to be cute or helpless or manipulative.
 
True love lets children learn to do things for themselves, as
soon as they are old enough to handle the task. Love
teaches children how to solve their own problems using
skills you've taught them when you aren't there to guide
them. Soft structure leaves children wondering 'why follow
rules?' I know them, but they don't apply to me. Soft
structure is giving children too much freedom and license.
Adults forget who is supposed to run the family and give
children a false sense of power or overblown sense of
responsibility.
Not requiring children to do chores deprives
them of the opportunity to contribute to the family's
success and well being. Children as young as 3 can help
set the table.
Just having a blanket or comforter to straighten
makes it easier to make their own bed. Feeding or walking
the dog teaches responsibility. We all live in the same
house; each of us does something to help.
Look for signs like children being held back from
doing tasks they are capable of, unequal family resources
(money, space, time, attention) going to one or
more of the children, and the child's behavior potentially
harming others, society or the planet in some way.

Kids learn seven percent from our words; 55
percent from our face, posture and gestures; and 38
percent from the tone of our voice. Try these phrases
for the seven percent
they hear and you imagine the other 93 percent of what
the kids understand: "No, and that's final!" "Did you
hear me say no?" "That's too old for you." "We need
the money for something else." "I'm starting to get angry
at you." "I'm not going to be changing my mind
about this." "I'm the parent. Parents make the decisions."
(Silent Messages, by Albert Mehrabian)

Myths many parents believe:

Hardship damages self-esteem—i
f you refuse to let your children live with the consequences of their
choices, they will never grow up.

A parent should be best friends with their children—
Children need a parent to make the hard decisions,
to listen to their concerns, but ultimately decide what
is best and guide them. If you want your kids to talk
to you, don't be their friend. They'll talk to someone
older, wiser, sympathetic and understanding, not
because you're their friend."

Submitted by Su Porter, extension educator, Macomb
County Michigan State University Extension
References:
Bredehoft, David. How Much is Enough? Everything
You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence
and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children
from Toddlers to Teens, Family Information Services,
February 2004